shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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