There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
