I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
