and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
In other news, I just burned my penis
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
