a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
