Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
