the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
