oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
