Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
