my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
