The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
