Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
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He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
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This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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