I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
