I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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