Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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