3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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