she was so not down for the gang bang
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
