You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
