when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
