...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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