I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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