Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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