There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
