BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
