well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
