If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
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i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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