We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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