How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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