I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Randomize
