It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
