Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
