Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
