he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
