It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
