I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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