sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
