Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
