Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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