You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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