All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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