Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
