I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
