You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
