Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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