it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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