i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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