Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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