Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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