Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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