heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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