Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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