Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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