he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Randomize
