I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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