I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
